Why I gave up alcohol

A brief rundown

I gave up alcohol when I realised it wasn't solving my problems, it was masking them. Being alcohol free has helped me understand myself, improve my mental health and finally start healing.

My drinking career didn’t get off to a good start. My friends and I stole vodka a couple of times from various parents cupboards which always resulted in crying, vomiting and getting grounded. Once I got to Uni I would drink 1 bottle of Bacardi breezer, stagger around a bit and then start vomiting. I wasn’t really a big party person anyway. I preferred going to the cinema and going out for dinner. If I did go out I usually had a better time sticking to red bull and dancing. Everyone thought I was drunk when I drank red bull anyway as I’d still be the most hyper person in the group!

Drinking and partying was a huge part of the University culture. It was where everyone made friends and hung out. I ended up spending most of my time in my room with my boyfriend at the time. We smoked weed, watched films and ate a lot of pizza. Not exactly the most sociable couple on the campus! But I kinda liked it like that.

I only really started to drink regularly after I had my daughter at age 21. I was secretly suffering from post natal depression. My husband knew how I felt but I hid my feelings from everyone else including the health visitor. To cope with my overwhelming feelings of sadness and anxiety I started drinking wine. By the time my daughter was 5 months old I was polishing off most of a bottle before my husband was even home from work. I recognised that this was not a great idea and I did eventually go to the doctor and tell him how I was feeling. I vividly remember him kinda laughing and saying that a bottle of wine wasn’t really that bad but he put my on Beta Blockers for the anxiety and I’d managed to massively reduce my wine consumption within a couple of weeks. I began only drinking on a Friday night (mostly).

We moved abroad about 8 months after the birth of my second daughter. Initially it was great. A new life in the sun just as we had dreamed of. But I began to struggle. We were stressed due to a serious lack of finances, my youngest barely slept which put a huge strain on my body and we had no support with the kids. I began to reach for wine again as a way to relax my brain in the evening. Wine helped me to switch off the overthinking for 10 minutes and relax with my husband. It wasn’t long before I was drinking a bottle of wine most nights. I’d wake up feeling rough from the night before, partly due to the alcohol and partly due to the lack of sleep and I’d look forward to my glass of wine at 5pm.

This pattern continued on and off for around 12 years. Although 1 bottle of wine creeped up to 1.5 bottles of wine then 2 bottles of wine. Wine became the only thing in my life that I really looked forward to and that I craved. I’d tried a few times over the years to give up. I did Sober October and Dry January but I always went back to my beloved wine.

My auntie died in 2020 after a long battle with alcoholism and her death started to make me think about how I was treating my body. I began trying to go back to only drinking at weekends and I was fairly successful but the cravings were so intense in the 10 days before my period. I felt like I was going mad and couldn’t figure out how to quieten the overthinking without wine. So I usually caved and drank at that point. If you have pmdd you’ll be well aware that drinking at that time of the month is a terrible idea. I’d open the wine, quiet my mind for 10 minutes and then start arguing with my husband. Usually for no real reason whatsoever. I was just drunk and consumed by my thoughts. This pattern started to wear quite thin on our relationship. I just couldn’t understand why I felt like this every month. Why was this happening to me? Why doesn’t this seem to happen to my friends and family? What have I done to deserve this? Am I broken?

Then one day my friend sent me an article on pmdd. I’d never heard of it before. She told me that she thought I might have it and that maybe I should talk to the doctor. It was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me because I now realised that I wasn’t being a drama queen and that how I was feeling was real.

I was 38 by now and it felt like my pmdd was worse than ever. I started to see posts on Instagram about the keto diet and how it can help hormones. I decided to give it a try. I began lifting weights a bit and trying more than ever to reduce my alcohol consumption. But still the cravings were so intense during my lutheal phase and I genuinely thought I was going to lose my mind if I didn’t find a way to quiet the thoughts. Alcohol was the only thing that seemed to work.

I started noticing that I felt much more anxious on the days after I drank and I didn’t like it. I also noticed that lifting weights seemed so much harder on the days after I drank. I was noticing that alcohol was not my friend but I still needed it to help me get through my luteal phase. That was until I discovered saunas. I found that going in a hot sauna and having a cold shower straight afterwards gave my mind that rest that it so desired. But instead of only keeping my mind quiet for 15 minutes like alcohol, the sauna kept my thoughts quiet for hours. Suddenly I was able to switch off my overthinking obtrusive thoughts and enjoy my evening with my husband sober.

At around the same time I discovered the power of saunas I also began reading various books on alcohol and self discovery. Something in my mind changed after I finished reading Catherine Gray’s ‘The Unexpected Joy Of Being Sober’ and Allen Carr’s ‘Easy way to control alcohol’. I challenged myself to give up alcohol for 1 year, repeatedly told myself that I didn’t drink anymore and reminded myself how bad alcohol was for me. I’m now over 2.5 years sober and although it’s been challenging at times it’s absolutely the best thing that I have ever done for my mind and body.

If you are falling out of love with alcohol or you’re noticing that it doesn’t love you then I recommend reading Catherine Gray and Allen Carrs books. If you drink because you struggle to shut your thought off in the evening then I recommend going to try a sauna. There’s loads dotted around the country these days.

Thanks for reading, Laura x